Hello world; Itzlynnhere.
It's been way too long since I have written. Sometimes we get caught up in life that we forget to take a moment to breathe. We also seem to forget those moments to do what makes us happy. I have forgotten to vent/write. So much has been consuming my soul, overwhelming my heart and stressing my body. I needed to find a way to release my pain. Someone very close to me reminded me of what I needed to do. It made me remember who I am and what I enjoy doing the most in life. So here I am writing; for me & you.
I don't know how many people this will reach; but I had to put this out here and inform others who are in the same boat. There is hope. You are not alone.
As many of you know I suffer from depression and my health condition is poor. I won my battle with Kidney Cancer. However each and every day is a battle to simply stay healthy, physically & mentally. So many people constantly tell me "You're strong Lynn" "You got this" (hence my tattoo) but the reality of it all is; I don't. There are times when my body can only take so much. I am always tired. I barely have energy, my body does not excrete fluids as it's suppose to. I therefore struggle with fluid retention, swelling & high blood pressure and to top it off the diabetes just makes it all worse and I still work full time. So, yes I can honestly admit now my body is overworking itself wait, I am overworking it. I just can't stop myself from earning my own. This is my reality and life.
Yesterday as well as today my mind is in an emotional wrestle. Depression is hitting me hard. I do everything I can to turn it around but today (after receiving a denial on an application for something) I fell harder. I reached out to some individuals for support because that is what I am suppose to do but fight myself to do so. Sometimes I hide away from everyone and fall deeper into my cave. I will not go there again. I believe this lead me to the laptop to let it all out. As I type I pause to wipe my tears. Yes, it is embarrassing, having to admit how I feel but at least I know I am doing the right thing by doing so. You may laugh or criticize me for doing so but at least I know NO one will be receiving a goodbye letter. I am doing the right thing and letting it all out the only way I know how.
This silent illness of depression is just as bad as cancer. You know why I say this. It is because it's a battle that you have to continuously fight. I won my war with cancer I'm now left to fight this battle over and over and it sucks. Those moments where you feel like if you tell someone you're depressed they look at you like "What? How can you be depressed? You live in Vegas, You beat Cancer, You're alive." Well, ABSOLUTELY I am blessed to be alive but when depression hits you. It makes you want to end your life and that is where the fight comes in. It doesn't matter where you live, how you live or what you've been through. It's a battle of the mind fighting itself to keep yourself going. It's hormone levels in your brain that are unbalanced. It's everything that hurts you and dragging you down further.
It can be; not being able to pay your bills, rent, mortgage. It's looking at others laying in the street that have nothing. It can be something that you spilled on the floor. It can be a divorce you never imagined. It can be a bird with a broken wing. It's your mind finding any little thing to find the negative in and making you feel worse than it normally is.
There is no cure for depression. You have to let it run it's course (if you're not on meds) and wake up to a new day (when you're ready) and fight another phase another day.
I have been through hell and back my entire life. I have made huge mistakes in the past when it came to dealing with depression. I will never make that same mistake again. I know I MUST and ALWAYS WILL reach out when I need to. I apologize if this makes anyone feel uncomfortable. Simply know that this is the only way I know how to cope and fight. I know this too shall pass.
I know this past year has been hard on everyone. Covid-19 has struck nastiness among thousands in the world. It has left grief, pain, fear, debt, worry on millions of families. WE are all struggling in ways no one will understand except confiding in one another. Depression is another symptom that Covid has inflicted on many. Do not let it destroy you. REACH OUT TO SOMEONE: YOU'RE NOT ALONE.
Thank you for listening; writing this helped me. I can only hope it does for someone else.
Till tomorrow..... )0(