I write this blog to
vent. I write this to heal my pain. I write because I no longer want to verbally
burden anyone with my heartache. This blog is deep because I am releasing all
that pains me. I don’t care how it makes me look. I do not live for the
acceptance of others’ views of me. I hurt deeply. Never in my life had I
imagined ever feeling the heartache that I do now.
The past 2 months have
literally shattered my life into pieces. I am slowly trying my best to cope
with everything that has happened one day at a time. I was blind-sided by this
whole event. I wish I could say more but I am bounded by a legal injunction.
All I can say is that I
am torn, lost, and devastated by all that has and is happening to me. No, I am
not playing the “victim role” as I was screamed at. I am human and have a heart
that feels tremendously. Perhaps that was my problem; I cared too much assuming
this person would never hurt me as they did? Perhaps I trusted to much? Maybe I
wasn’t woman enough, pretty, or skinny or healthy enough? I will never know and
will never get complete answers as to why. I will also never understand how you
can go from one night to the next with such a drastic change and not expect to care
of the impact this inflicted on the person you claimed to love.
This event has drained me
physically, emotionally, and financially in ways I never seen coming. I literally
have only the clothes I own and my vehicle. I can’t believe all that I had worked
for and built is gone. I was raised with values of appreciating the plate of
food you are given for the day. So, material things are always replaceable and
of no value; except when you lose them all at once. It’s okay I wasn’t born
with a silver spoon in my hand and know how to earn my own and all will be
replaced eventually. It is just extremely sad to go from having it all to
I am forever grateful and
blessed to have my family and friends to be here for me when I need them the
most. I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in thanks to my brothers. I
have the love and support from my sisters. Who I know I must be driving crazy
with all my hysteria and crying. For the past 2 months I have been crying and I
know I will continue to do so; until I have no more pain.
To those who know me; you
know all that I have been through in life and there isn’t anything that GOD
doesn’t give me that I can’t handle. This too shall pass. I trust in my faith
that this is not how my story ends. I shamedly admit there are times especially at
night where I’m in such despair I want to end it all to never feel this misery
again. At those moments I pick up a pen and start writing. I also have my phone where I will call someone. However, feeling the way that I do I would rather not call and get on
people’s nerves with my sadness. Unfortunately, this is my life; this is my status and It will take some time.
So, Yes, I will cry. Yes,
I hurt. Yes, I have nothing. Yes, I am alone, Yes, I am sick and yet I’M STILL
STANDING. I will get through this like I do everything else that life throws my
way. I am a real woman, and a strong woman knows how to rebuild herself to
stand up and be stronger than ever. You took my love and broke my heart, but
you didn’t break my soul and the best version of me will soon arise from the
ashes you burned.
Until then I continue to
pray for strength to help me overcome all that I am facing and is heading my
way. I know if I stay in faith GOD will lead me to who, what, when where and
why I am to go through all this.
As usual.. Thank you for allowing me to vent, with love always... )0( Me....