Sunday, May 8, 2022

No More


A tight feeling lays in my chest where love once was. That love has been replaced with despair. No one hears my cries because I fill their minds with hidden lies. My heart is beyond broken with no repair. My mind has been stolen by the evil soul from downstairs. I fake smiles to ease other’s concerns. I’ve lost everything that made me whole. Now I’ve been left with nothing but an empty hole.

All say time heals all wounds. You must be strong. Honestly & shamefully, I have not strength and nor will to go on. Hopeless, worthless, broken defeated I feel.

Pain, illness, depression, heartache, separation, liens, divorce are more than I can handle. Life has finally beaten me, and I now simply want to fly free.

I love you all and will one day stand tall until then no one will hear from me ever again at all.


Sunday, May 1, 2022

Where I'm at...

I write this blog to vent. I write this to heal my pain. I write because I no longer want to verbally burden anyone with my heartache. This blog is deep because I am releasing all that pains me. I don’t care how it makes me look. I do not live for the acceptance of others’ views of me. I hurt deeply. Never in my life had I imagined ever feeling the heartache that I do now.

The past 2 months have literally shattered my life into pieces. I am slowly trying my best to cope with everything that has happened one day at a time. I was blind-sided by this whole event. I wish I could say more but I am bounded by a legal injunction.

All I can say is that I am torn, lost, and devastated by all that has and is happening to me. No, I am not playing the “victim role” as I was screamed at. I am human and have a heart that feels tremendously. Perhaps that was my problem; I cared too much assuming this person would never hurt me as they did? Perhaps I trusted to much? Maybe I wasn’t woman enough, pretty, or skinny or healthy enough? I will never know and will never get complete answers as to why. I will also never understand how you can go from one night to the next with such a drastic change and not expect to care of the impact this inflicted on the person you claimed to love.

This event has drained me physically, emotionally, and financially in ways I never seen coming. I literally have only the clothes I own and my vehicle. I can’t believe all that I had worked for and built is gone. I was raised with values of appreciating the plate of food you are given for the day. So, material things are always replaceable and of no value; except when you lose them all at once. It’s okay I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my hand and know how to earn my own and all will be replaced eventually. It is just extremely sad to go from having it all to having nothing.

I am forever grateful and blessed to have my family and friends to be here for me when I need them the most. I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in thanks to my brothers. I have the love and support from my sisters. Who I know I must be driving crazy with all my hysteria and crying. For the past 2 months I have been crying and I know I will continue to do so; until I have no more pain. 

To those who know me; you know all that I have been through in life and there isn’t anything that GOD doesn’t give me that I can’t handle. This too shall pass. I trust in my faith that this is not how my story ends. I shamedly admit there are times especially at night where I’m in such despair I want to end it all to never feel this misery again. At those moments I pick up a pen and start writing. I also have my phone where I will call someone. However, feeling the way that I do I would rather not call and get on people’s nerves with my sadness. Unfortunately, this is my life; this is my status and It will take some time. 

So, Yes, I will cry. Yes, I hurt. Yes, I have nothing. Yes, I am alone, Yes, I am sick and yet I’M STILL STANDING. I will get through this like I do everything else that life throws my way. I am a real woman, and a strong woman knows how to rebuild herself to stand up and be stronger than ever. You took my love and broke my heart, but you didn’t break my soul and the best version of me will soon arise from the ashes you burned. 

Until then I continue to pray for strength to help me overcome all that I am facing and is heading my way. I know if I stay in faith GOD will lead me to who, what, when where and why I am to go through all this. 

As usual.. Thank you for allowing me to vent, with love always... )0(  Me....

Sunday, March 20, 2022

I am someone.

Some people say that actions hurt more than words. I beg to differ. Sometimes when you hear hurtful words from the person you love most in the world, can destroy you more than a slap in the face. Those words that were said to you resonate in your head and mess with your mental state of mind. When you’re physically hurt by someone you will heal physically and the act will mentally distraught you. In either unfortunate scenario the person who was hurt by the sayings/doings has been left with a fragile, cautious outlook on everything and everyone in life. Can you blame them?

There are so many people out in the world who don’t realize the power behind comments made. If this is their truth; so be it and yes the truth does hurt. You should always make sure the words that you are ready to throw out will not come back to bite you in the ass at any time. You cannot take back what you write or say at any given time. This is one of the main reasons I write straight from the heart. Everything I write is what I feel and never go back on anything I say. There will be many people that don’t agree with my writings and that is their prerogative. I write what I feel and no one needs to agree or disagree.

Nothing is at it seems in the public eye. There are times when I would like to share so many issues that not only I go through but many others as well. Sometimes it doesn’t happen because I fear the reality of

being judged. Then I stop and think what the hell is the purpose of me blogging for? I created this project to heal and I desperately need to do this. So many friends and family always tell me “I’m strong. You got this” just as my tattoo says, however these past 2 weeks have been hell for me. I was presented with some disturbing, shocking news from someone I never expected to hear from. How do I respond? I ran and hid from the entire world. I closed my social media profiles and reverted back to my “cave.” This is what I used to doing when I was hurting. I began repeating my old behavior. After an epiphany I came to the reality that I don’t need to be your person in order to be one. I am someone. I am ME & will no longer hide or be silenced. 

I have come a long way from the person I once was in life. I will NOT be that person again. It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to cry & when I’m done crying I will stand taller, stronger and wiser than ever before. I know I am a good person and deserve to be loved the way I love. I have an amazing amount of love, support from friends and family from all over. They lift me up, they provide me with spiritual guidance, comfort, a shoulder, a hug virtually or physically. All these people know me. They know my character, they know my heart, they know my passion; they know what I deserve; they know me.

For now I’m being and doing me because I AM SOMEONE..

 

Till tomorrow… )0(


Sunday, February 6, 2022

Comfort Zone

I can't believe that it's been so long since since I have attended to my blog. I normally write as often as I can. I feel as if I have let myself lose the purpose of my blog. I created this blog years ago to help myself with my inner demons and whatnots. A way to vent a variety of emotions. Unfortunately the past few months I have not been doing so and took to the sofa and gave into my sadness. This is not how I am suppose to fight back. I have to remove myself from that comfort zone I put myself in.

This past weekend I did that. I have made several friends and pushed myself to go out for cocktails with them. It was an awesome experience. I am not a cocktail type of person. I am your average beer and shot girl. It was great company. The jokes, drinks, food, laughter and company made me forget how lonely I was feeling. 

I went home feeling happy. Once I was in my bed I began to remember everyone back home; especially those close to me. No one will ever replace my Michy & Lopez and I always carry them in my heart. I just have to accept that I must appreciate who and what I have here and now. 

I don't know what the cards have in store for me as for my future. All I do know is that I have to stop isolating myself from life. I must go out and do things more often. I must go for my walks again. I must go out and absorb all the rays of sunshine I can. I must get off my sofa and out of my comfort zone. It is mentally dangerous when you begin to shut yourself out from people, places and things. I no longer will do this to myself.

I started writing again today. Some things I write here in my blog while others I write in my journal. Since my first book, my life has been on display and there are certain things I do keep to myself. This is something I wanted to share. I know there are other people who are out there doing the same thing I have been doing. Take it from me; Stop. You're only doing yourself more harm; even when if doesn't seem like it.

I can't tell anyone what to do with their life. I can only share my experiences with hopes that no one makes the same errors I do and have. No matter what you're going through in life. It is not healthy to keep it bottled up inside or hide yourself away from everyone and everything. Do whatever it takes to release your stress and fears and get yourself out of that comfort zone by not doing so.

Till tomorrow.... )0(

Tuesday, November 16, 2021

All that's left

Every day I fight against myself. I have no reason to wake up so I lay in bed for hours staring unto nothing. I have nothing to look forward to. I wake up to silence. I speak aloud yet no one hears me. I yearn for comfort & there’s no one to hold me. I beg for strength to fight while I’m weak. I cry from heartache. I scream again &still no one is there.

I close my eyes tight and pray; are you listening?  My faith is the only thing I continue to hold onto.  I have nothing else to lose. All that I believed to have loved with my heart is gone. I am no one to anyone; while others can go on.

I sit here and think about where I am now. I am where I am supposed to be. I am living how it’s destined to be. This is what you have lead me to believe. I trust in you when you showed me the way. Times like this I feel nothing but abandoned.

You allowed for others to hurt & break me. You weren’t there for me. All through life I have fought alone. I pray for the day when you’re proud of me. When I no longer shed a tear for believing you actually cared of my despair.

Every day I fight against myself. All my secrets and pain will slowly diminish. I must fight harder before the finish. I often wondered why or how I am still standing here today. I believe its times like this when writing is what gets me through.  

I have nothing else to lose. I accept what is and what will become of me. I have nothing to offer except my love; that is ALL that’s left of me.

No More

A tight feeling lays in my chest where love once was. That love has been replaced with despair. No one hears my cries because I fill their m...