How it all began.



Two nights ago I was feeling somewhat uncomfortable with things in my life. I had this urge to go searching in my closet for something I wanted to read. I didn't find what I was looking for but did come across a large duffle bag. I immediately remembered what was in the bag. I unzipped it and they're they were; dozens & dozens of my journals from over the past 20 years. I couldn't believe it.



Every since I began typing in my computer I've forgotten what a journal & pen did for me. I've neglected them. lol. Well, I carried the bag with me over to the living room & began pulling them out & glancing through each one. I found one entry that was dated "Friday, June 30, 2000 8:36pm" wow I thought; how precise I was and giggled again. I began to read that particular entry & my tears ran down my face. It's 14 years later and what I wrote that day I'm still dealing with now. It made me really ACCEPT the understanding that some things are not fixable. We can only change in our lives what we have the ability too; anything out of our control is impossible. I've managed to cope with life's issues, knockdowns as well as the joy of fulfillments. Many I've conquered and some I will someday whether they're good or bad. It's what we ALL have to do in order to survive, mentally, physically and financially.

After reading that entry, it made me realize I am who I am, deal with  what I have too but will NOT let it destroy me. If I have to keep fighting for the rest of my life; so be it. It's what I & everyone else must do.

So after after some serious soul searching & advice from (a particular person who is helping/mentoring me). I came home, went into my bedroom with new pens & journals. I know I have a laptop to type what I want to say but at that particular time I just wanted to write in my "diary" and I wrote for hours. I remembered how good it felt to let all off my emotions on paper. Now I know I do this here on this blog page but for many special reasons handwriting in my diary felt a little more fulfilling for me. There are things that I do speak of rather boldly on here then I do like to keep some things to myself as I did in my diary that night.

I had a very, very bad scare the other night (let's just leave it at that) & I was told to remember to "How to let it all out".  I most certainly did & it brought me back to where and how it all began. It's hard not get caught up with trying to do so much to please everyone else that I was forgetting what it was all about and to put what makes me happiest first. Maybe I needed a reminder perhaps this was a wake up call for me just to do what is best for me. Who knows, eventually I will come acrosss the answers but for now, this minute I can smile & feel it from the inside of my stomach.

We as human beings need to remember what it is that drives us to get where we want to be in life and do it. Once you have arrived where you want to be then you can finally look back at "How it all began.

I did and am smiling inside when I can't on the out..... Thanks for reading......... Neena44