Zsa Zsa

Yesterday, 9/12/2025 at 12:03 pm my 14-year-old chihuahua passed. There isn’t anything that anyone can tell me that will make my heartache any better. She was extremely ill and due to her age and the immobility of her back legs. We had no other option but to let her go. She was severely suffering. I cannot help but have been feeling selfish for trying to hold onto her for as long as we did. I was holding on to hope for her to recover.

She was my last baby. She filled my heart when my youngest son left home. She was the last of the litter that nobody wanted. I was never a dog person but the moment I picked her up and she slid into my sweater for comfort and warmth. She looked up at me with those big bubbly eyes and it was instant love. I cared for her as if she was the daughter I never could have. I loved her so much every day of her life. She literally was a spoiled diva hence her name Zsa Zsa. (IYKYK)

The past few months I noticed she was avoiding me. I would literally go looking for her in every room of our home. I would find her hiding underneath my bed at the headboard. Sometimes I would even find her lying behind an artificial tree in the bedroom corner. From all that I have learned about dogs I believe at this moment she knew she was ready to go and trying to tell me. I just refused to accept it.

Over the past 3 weeks her health deteriorated, and she stopped walking, eating, urinating on herself and lethargic. More than the usual chihuahua does. We took her to the Vet, and he immediately knew but had to offer us all options. Simply provide her with meds for pain relief and play the waiting game. Or letting her go with assistance. We came home and had one last special evening with her. We cried the entire night with uncertainty about which route to go. Was I being selfish to wanting her to fight and hold on so I wouldn’t feel the pain that I do now? I cried all night with my husband. The next morning, we made the decision we would talk to the vet one last time.

We arrived and once he spoke with us. We knew what we had to do. We signed the paperwork, and it was done. It was the most emotional overwhelming heartache I have ever felt in my life. I watched her go and looked directly at her hugging her telling her “I’m sorry, I love you and I will see you again. You’re no longer going to be in pain anymore my baby.” My husband and I looked up at the doctor with his stethoscope in his ears and says, “She’s gone”.  My heart fell to the floor. I hugged her in her blanket and cried like a child. I’m still crying as I type. The memory of this happening has traumatized me. I cannot rid myself of the pain and the emptiness I feel. The worse feeling of all this is the guilt. I cannot help but feel a massive amount of guilt that we let her go. I understand if it was the best thing for her. Why am I consumed with guilt. I should not have done so. This guilt is overwhelming. It has made me fall into a deep depressive state. I no longer wish to live. I want to be with my fur baby. I cannot go on without her. She was more than just a dog. She was my companion. She would be the only one who would listen to me talk about anything. Yes, I know she wouldn’t talk back but she listened. Every time I was in pain or sad and crying, she would come over and lick my tears away. She provided me comfort when there was no one else around. Yes, even when her piercing bark annoys me, I still loved it and would do anything in the world right now to hear that again. She was everything to me and now I am alone again; especially being far away from my siblings and sons. She was all I had and now I have nothing but empty hollowness in me. Why should I continue suffering without her?  I need to be with her. Every room in this house has a wonderful painful memory. Today I lost it as I went to the storage room, and her harness was hanging on the door. I screamed in agony. I have all her toys and bed in one room and won’t get rid of them. I’m so lost in grief, it’s beyond what I expected to handle.

To anyone that says “It was just a dog” stay away from me because I would literally punch you in the throat. An animal that is loved is nurtured, care for; it is LOVE and a part of your life. We are human beings and when you provide love to animals it simply means your heart is filled with love to share with all, humans or animals.

So having said this I hope you can all forgive me in allowing me to vent of the darkness that my baby has led me too.

I love you all and thank you for reading my emotional despair.  )0(