Yesterday's memories; Today's nightmares

I woke up to tears rolling off the sides of my eyes.  I laid there staring at the ceiling wondering when will my pain begin to heal.  I thought I had left the past where it belonged; I was wrong.  Suppressing memories is something I didn’t believe in until this morning.  Many times one doesn’t even know that we have done so.  I knew there was something deep inside me that torments me while I sleep.  It finally has surfaced for me to release and heal; I hope.

Never in my life have I ever felt so hurt, sad and emotionally distraught at the memories that came about.  I remembered it & can’t believe that I hid it so well. So many things make much sense to me now.  What I don’t understand is how I am supposed to heal when the pain has been brought on all over again?  Images, memories of things, people, events have been flashing before my eyes in such a fast pace that I feel like I’m losing control.  I would have chosen not to remember.

I wish I can change the past but no one can. I wish I can take away the anguish of the past; I cannot. I wish this pain was never inflicted on me. I wish could scream & shout WHY? WHY? WHY? I cannot run from this anymore.  Once again I feel lost & alone.  Why did I have to remember? How do I move forward when the past keeps surfacing? I don’t cry very often and thought perhaps this is why. Now that I remembered I can’t stop. Is this the healing? I would have chosen not to remember.

Memories will always be that happy, sad, whatever they are; they are never-ending; these particular ones are my agony.  I thought I had dealt with the past; clearly I chose to only with certain events. Now that ALL has surfaced I must accept & begin to heal because I know I will NEVER understand why.

Tears are a sign of releasing pain. I no longer wish to suffer in silence. I remembered. I will heal, I will move forward but if things could have been different. I would have happily chosen to remember.