It has been a little over a month since I've actually had the time to blog. Sometimes I am extremely busy and many times I just get "writer's block." I have tried several ways to overcome it but get so distracted with other bullshit that I lose focus on what I really feel inside to write about. Pause:
See, I just put laptop down & went to take a quick hot shower. As I was saying, during these past few weeks I've had so many issues in my life wich of course leave me with multiple emotions that lead me to write. Only this time I bottled them up (I guess) for fear of not really facing what I didn't WANT too.
I reached a point in my relationship of numerous years where I just couldn't wonder anymore. I kept asking myself if I was "settling" or I was really in love. So I asked the dreaded question "Are you ever going to marry me?" Now this is a question that shouldn't be asked (I think) even after you have the rock on your finger but for some crazy reason I found myself asking & didn't like the answers I received. I do say answers because one answer kept leading to more questions from me and in the end I finally knew where I stood in the "relationship world."
There are some things I do wish to keep private; but as a writer/blogger and a very well known public figure It is kind of hard to, with that said I will vent what I can. So, after a few days and nights of confusion, heartache, anger drove me to an actual emotional breakdown. NO not a mental one. This was in fact a good breakdown. I did something that I really needed to do and hadn't realized that I was depriving myself of doing so. I cried and cried and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I know that I have said in previous blogs that "I cry" well, I seem to start the action but ALWAYS stop myself. (I programmed myself to be that way-don't ask, long story). So when I finally just let it out, I was able to take a deep breath.
Pause: CMA are on and my girl Kelly Clarkson performing. (See another distraction) Ok, Im back. Sorry. So once I was able to "Sigh" I began to focus on the bigger picture than my emotions. My life was turned upside down; Yes but I still have life. I been through heartache and breakups before & unfortunately did not handle them well back then. No, I take that back those breakups showed me HOW to be strong today. It showed me that I am a human being with feelings and they DO matter, my wants, needs, desires and dreams are mine to be respected & appreciated. I do not need a partner to make me feel complete. Yes I would love one, but one that wants to be there unconditionally & accept me flaws and all.. Love has no limits.
A few more weeks pass by and my birthday came up (It was yesterday) and I spend it with the people that love me AS IS.. My day was filled with love & joy and in the end that's all that matter.
Today is Monday the beginning of a new week to new opportunites. I simply have to grab them when they come my way. Each and every day is a different emotion for me, I can feel sad yet still smile. I can cry for few minutes, sigh then breathe again. I can laugh all day without any pain to feel. I can think of all that I have lost and not feel sad because I focus on what I have gained.
A new start, Alone or Not Alone My life & dreams will continue because I don't give up on me...
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